The "B" Word

Thursday, July 06, 2017

Beach season is upon us!!! Did your throat just close up a little bit? Mine always does...

Buying a bathing suit, even for me(!), is a total pain in the ass. If you find yourself sweaty, mad, frustrated, and squishing yourself into this seasons tiny, spandex-y, lady trap otherwise known as swimwear; you are in good company. Finding a figure flattering, good quality, cost effective bathing suit is hard (aaaand not going home to binge eat refined carbs after is even harder)! 

But here's the thing: I don't care what size you are 2, 12, 22... we are all have "beach bodies," and as such, we all totally and completely deserve to throw on our teeny-weenies and hit up the beach or pool. SHAME FREE DUDES! shame free.

I've thought a lot about the concept of "beach bodies" this week as I was preparing to write this post... where the idea came from, why we feel shame, why good bathing suits are so eff-ing hard to find... and here's what I came up with:

The Beach Body ideal derives from marketers trying to sell you health and beauty products. The ads start up for gym memberships right around New Years and the panic to join a health club peeks mid-spring to get ready for the summer season. Discontentment sells, it sells sooo much. If you are content with your body and who you are then what (outside of the practical) do you need to buy? Not much. 

As for the reason finding a good bathing suit is such an arduous task? It's because one size never fits all. I'm totally living proof of that statement; if the bust on a bathing suit fits- the hips are too narrow. If the hips fit well- the bust is enormous. The upper part of a tankini aaaalways rolls up over my centre and a regular bikini has never been an option (stretch marks dudes- ye old stretch marks marking up my soft little belly reminding me daily that life as a teenager sucks big time... I mean, I got them during pregnancy like everyone else...*cough*...).

So what can we do? Roll up our beach towels and head home?? No suits anywhere and body shammed into oblivion!?!? Hells no. 

My message here is don't give up. Shamelessly try on suit after suit unit one fits like it should and then buy two (Insider tip: never, I repeat NEVER, watch yourself in the change room mirror attempting to shimmy and squirm your way into a bathing suit- or really any clothing for that matter, but particularly, a bathing suit. If we were to watch Marilyn Monroe herself squeeeeeeze into her tiny cream-coloured "Happy Birthday Mr.President" dress she'd loose half of her sexpot charm. Give yourself a fighting chance and turn away, put that sucker on, and then have a look. See? Much better)

I was in an awesome rockabilly shop in Port Dover last summer; Suzie's Bombshell Boutique (I also met Suzie, she's awesome. Her store tag line is "You're a hottie, so love your body," YES! so great) and stumbled upon a high-waisted, retro inspired, bikini that sold tops and bottoms separately! A medium top AND a large bottom?!?! WHAT?!? BLISS! The brand Unique Vintage sells the best, guys, THE BEST, and most flattering bathing suits for all sizes. Amazing patterns, beautiful cuts, and covers all offending stretch marks, pinky swear.

Here. Lemme show you:

Now. I've gone first. Cellulite be damned. The water's fine ladies, jump on in.


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  1. Fabulous.
    For YEARS I have not worn a bathing suit. ("It's too cold/hot out; not today, I just did my hair", etc etc...) Did I mention I have been living in a house with a pool for 9 years? I have gone in a total of less appendages on my hands and feet. That's right: fewer than ten. Sad--so sad. Because I have hated (HATED--DESPISED--ABHORRED) my body.
    This year, I found a one piece racing swim suit. Yeah, it's black (all I usually wear so it's ME) and pretty straight-laced (like me) but has a cute low leg and it FITS. Do I look sexy? Who cares. Do I like it? Yes. More importantly--do I like ME in IT? yes. I look pretty damn good.
    So, as Char might say, where the Hell is the sunscreen ?


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